I Messages &
Problem-Solving

"I Messages" vs "You Messages"

An "I message" is a statement that tells the listener what you a) see, b) think or feel, or c) want in an objective manner that does not assign blame or put the listener down. A "you message" is a statement that assigns blame or puts the listener down. When Using "I messages", you often only need to say what you see or what you want.

Examples:

You Message: "Can't you see that the dog needs to go out? Why can't you be more responsible."

I Message: "I see that the dog needs to go out."

You Message: "The dishwasher's been sitting there full all day. What are you waiting for; a written invitation to unload it?"

I Message: "The dishwasher needs to be unloaded now."

You Message: "What a slob; get your clothes out of here."

I Message: "Put your clothes up please."

Problem-Solving

There are four basic steps to effective problem-solving. They include:

• Clearly define the options (the choices) you have.
• Gather information as to the positive and negative aspects of each option.
• Become aware of which option generates the most positive or least negative feelings.
• Choose one of the options.

You can assist a child in steps one, two, and three when the child is trying to resolve a problem that does not directly concern you. An example would be when the child is having difficulty with a friend.

When using this process to resolve a problem that involves both of you, begin by stating the problem as you see it with an "I message". An example would be: "I want the front room cleaned by seven each night. Do you have any ideas on how we could work together to accomplish this?" Once you state your "I message", be prepared to use your active listening skills. As you listen to your child's perceptions and needs you will often find the keys to reaching a solution that will be satisfy both of you.

A simple formulation of this process that works well with young children is:

• What happened?
• Why do you think that happened?
• How do you think you could do things differently next time?

This simplified approach can be used for a wide variety of potential learning situations such as when a child spills milk or injures him or herself.

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Disclaimer: This site contains general reference information and is not intended as a substitute for consulting with a physician or a psychotherapist.

Copyright © 1999 by Reneau Peurifoy, MA — All Rights Reserved