Assertiveness

Definition:

Self-assertion: a direct, honest expression of feelings and desires.
Aggression: hurting another person or achieving one's goals at the expense of another person.

Non-assertive: complying with the desires of another at the expense of yourself.

Three rights basic rights:

• You have the right to refuse the requests of others
• You have the right to request what you want
• You have the right to right a wrong (ask for a wrong to be corrected)

Assertiveness Training: instruction in how to be self-assertive. The basic idea behind assertiveness training is to practice assertive actions until they can be repeated even under stress. The three parts to assertiveness training are:

• Rehearsing dialogue, assertive postures and gestures
• Role-playing scenes
• Overlearning

ASSERTIVENESS

Three Basic Styles of Behavior

Nonassertive: The goal of nonassertive behavior is to avoid conflict. The results of the frequent use of nonassertive behavior include: loss of self-respect and self-esteem, passive aggressive behavior—“getting back” in indirect ways, a tendency to sulk or cry to get one’s way, and the “see-saw” effect in which a person swings back and forth between nonassertive and aggressive behavior. People with a general nonassertive pattern may tend to blame others, fail to take responsibility for the quality of their lives, or play the role of martyr. When you choose nonassertive behavior you are choosing definite irritation within yourself over the possibility of irritating others—nothing new will happen as nonassertive behavior usually reinforces another person’s unwanted behavior.

Aggressive: The goal of aggressive behavior is to dominate and get one’s own way at all costs. People who rely on an aggressive style are often as conscious-stricken and concerned as shy people about their poor record in making friends and solving problems in an effective and satisfying way. Having mistreated others they often feel guilt and dejection. An aggressive style tends to make people hostile and/or want to get away from the aggressive person.

Assertive: The goal of assertive behavior is to satisfy your needs and wants and resolve conflicts in a mutually satisfying way that builds bridges between you and others. The four main features of an assertive style: The ability to freely express feelings and needs in a way that is self-satisfying as well as socially effective. A focus on “reasonable compromise” rather than on “winning”. The ability to negotiate reasonable changes and solutions. The ability to plan, “sell”, and implement agreeable solutions. When you use a truly assertive style, those who  matter won’t mind, and those who mind seldom matter.

Five General Approaches to Resolving Problems and Conflicts

Conform to the situation: This nonassertive approach may be your best choice when you are in a) “no-win” situations involving inflexible bureaucracies, b) situations where you are in conflict with a person with higher rank and authority than you, or c) situations in which you value another person’s friendship and the discomfort you feel when conforming is small.

Withdraw from the situation: This nonassertive approach is may be your best choice when a) other approaches are not working, or b) you are experiencing severe stress as a result of the problem and this stress is becoming a destructive force in your body or daily life.

Change the situation through an aggressive approach: This approach is sometimes our best choice in those RARE occasions when life or property is threatened or you are dealing with an irrational person who only respects an aggressive approach.

Change the situation through an assertive (DERN) approach: This is the preferred way to cope with most everyday problems and conflicts.

Substitute a new goal or want for one that is clearly impossible: This approach is often your best choice when dealing with a nonnegotiator and you are either unwilling or unable to carry out consequences that would motivate the nonnegotiator.

The Dern Approach

The first three steps of the DERN approach involve expressing your needs and wants in a way that is assertive but not aggressive.. The most effective way to become skilled with them is to create D.E.R. scripts. Guidelines for creating a D.E.R. script are given below.

Step 1: Describe the problem behavior or situation.

Describe the other person’s behavior or actions objectively.

AVOID vague words or descriptions.

Focus on one well-defined behavior or problem that you want to deal with now in specific, simple terms.

AVOID generalizing for “all time”.

Describe a specific time, place and frequency of the action in a short, clear manner. The description should clarify the situation, not complicate it.

AVOID mind-reading or psychoanalyzing by guessing at the other person’s motive, goals, attitudes, or intentions.

Step 2: EXPRESS your feelings

Express feelings and opinions as your own without blaming the other person.

AVOID denying or holding your feelings in.

Keep your wording low-key and aim for emotional restraint rather than dramatic impact.

AVOID unleashing emotional outbursts.

Express your feelings in a positive manner.

AVOID words that ridicule or shame, along with swear words and labels such as “dumb,” “selfish,” and “idiotic.”

Stay focused on the specific offending behavior rather than on the whole person.

AVOID attacking the character or personality of the person.

Step 3: REQUEST the changes or actions you want.

Make a direct, clear and explicit request for a change or action.

AVOID only implying or hinting that you’d like a change.

When dealing with behavior, request only a small change.

AVOID asking for major changes in a person’s character or personality.

Request only one or, at MOST, two changes or actions at one time.

AVOID demanding many changes or actions.

Describe the specific actions you want stopped and those you want to see performed.

AVOID asking for changes or actions in vague or general terms.

Consider whether the other person can meet your request without suffering large losses. Is your request reasonable?

AVOID asking only for your own satisfaction while ignoring the other person’s needs.

The Fourth Step: NEGOTIATE

After you deliver your DER script, it is time to listen carefully to the other person. Use active listening skills to both identify what the other person’s needs are and to let that person know that you have heard what was said. Only after you have done this are you ready to begin problem solving.

Your Rights and Responsibilities

An important step to becoming more assertive is knowing and believing in individual rights and responsibilities. Believing in individual rights allows a person to assert him or herself and feel good about it. Believing in individual responsibilities helps a person use a style that is assertive rather than aggressive. When the following rights and responsibilities are observed, the result is usually healthy, fulfilling relationships. When they are not observed, the result is usually pain and frustration. Take some time to decide which of these rights and responsibilities you are comfortable with and which ones make you uncomfortable.

1. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect;

I have the responsibility to treat others with the same dignity and respect I desire from them.

2. I have the right to decide what is best for me;

I have the responsibility to allow others to decide what is best for them.

3. I have the right to have and express my own feelings and opinions

I have the responsibility to express those feelings and opinions in a way that does not insult or put others down.

4. I have the right to ask for what I want and need;

I have the responsibility to allow others the right to refuse my request even though I might not like being refused.

5. I have the right to say "no" without feeling guilty;

I have the responsibility to allow others the right to say “no.”

6. I have the right to be listened to and taken seriously;

I have the responsibility to listen to others and take them seriously.

7. I have the right to make mistakes.

I have the responsibility to accept the consequences of those mistakes.

8. I have the right to all of my human weaknesses and limitations without guilt or shame.

I have the responsibility to allow others their weaknesses without ridiculing or resenting them.

9. I have the right to do what is necessary to protect my physical and mental health even though this sometimes requires nonassertive or aggressive behavior and discomfort in others.

I have the responsibility to do this in a way that causes the least amount of harm to both myself and others.

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Disclaimer: This site contains general reference information and is not intended as a substitute for consulting with a physician or a psychotherapist.

Copyright © 1999 by Reneau Peurifoy, MA — All Rights Reserved