Anger

What Is Anger?

Anger is an emotional response triggered by an interpretation that a threat is or may be present. The physical effect it has is to activate the fight or flight response and prepare the body for action. The desire it generates is to eliminate the source of the threat.

Anger can exist at any one of a wide range of intensities that can be illustrated as follows:

Irritation    ————   Anger   ————   Rage

In common speech, anger usually refers to a level of arousal that is somewhere in the middle of this range. In this workshop anger refers to the entire range of intensity from low level irritation to out-of-control rage.

How Anger Is Expressed

The energy and motivation generated by anger can take the form of a variety of actions which can be listed on the following continuum:

• Violent, destructive and/or harmful actions
• Tantrums/Hurtful or critical remarks (sarcasm/teasing)
• Sulking/pouting
• Passive aggressive behavior (hurtful actions such as being late or cruel remarks which “you don’t mean”)
• Hurtful or destructive fantasies
• Suppression (you’re angry but pretending that you aren’t)
• Repression (you’ve gotten so good at suppressing anger you now don’t even realize when something has made you angry)
• Constructive action (usually assertive behavior)

The energy and motivation that is expressed through the various actions listed above can be focused in one or more of the following directions:

• It can be suppressed or repressed.
• It can be directed at an identified external real or imaginary threat.
• It can be turned inward and directed at a real or imagined personal weakness or inadequacy - an identified internal threat.
• It can be displaced externally and directed at someone or something unrelated to the source of the frustration.

Appropriate and Inappropriate Anger

Anger is appropriate when three things are true: 1) a real threat exists, 2) the level of your anger is proportional to the level of the threat, and 3) when your actions effectively reduce the threat with the least amount of harm to yourself and others.

Anger can be inappropriate in any one or combination of three ways.

• You become angry when there is no logical reason to become angry.
• You can become angry at a level of intensity that is out of proportion to events.
• The response generated by the emotion can be inappropriate.

Inappropriate emotional responses sometimes have organic causes such as injury, diseases, drugs, or inherited genetic defects that cause your nervous system to function improperly. When we exclude these organic causes, anger (or any other emotion) that occurs when events don’t warrant it or at a level of intensity that is too high is usually due to some sort of distorted thinking.

Responses that are inappropriate are usually due to learning that took place during childhood. Effective anger control requires working on both the distorted thinking that generate inappropriate anger as well as the learned behavioral responses to anger.

Two Roadblocks

There are two key roadblocks to change that keep people locked into old patterns.

The idea that it is impossible to control oneself. This usually is expressed with words like,“I can’t help myself,” “This is just the way I am,” or “I was just born this way.”

The tendency to minimize the consequences. This usually is expressed with words like, “He/she asked for it,” “He/she deserved it,” “It’s the only way he/she gets the message,” “It doesn’t really bother him/her,” or “He she understands that’s just the way I am.”

If you tend to use either of the above rationalizations for your anger, write the following two statements on a card and read them once each day for the next two weeks. Say them to yourself whenever you find yourself becoming angry.

I have the ability to control my behavior.

Poor anger management has serious negative consequences.

Three Common Myths About Anger

1. It’s healthy to ventilate your anger.

2. Anger and aggression are instinctual responses that can’t be helped.

3. It’s normal to become angry when frustrated, helpless, or confused.

None of the above are true. Anger is an emotion that needs to be acted upon, not acted out. Ventilating your anger makes it easier to lose control. While anger is an inborn response to threat, we can control our actions. Likewise, when we are frustrated, helpless or confused, we can choose to focus on positive solutions rather than on throwing a tantrum.

The Motivational Side of Anger

No one is sure exactly how the motivation generated by anger is produced since the way in which the mind works is still mostly a mystery. However, the four different aspects of the motivation generated by anger can be described as follows.

An increased focus on your needs or wants: As you become angry, the pain and needs of others becomes increasingly unimportant. All that matters is your pain and what you want.

A greater sense of confidence: The angrier you are, the more you believe you can do whatever is necessary to eliminate the perceived threat or to meet your needs.

A sense of righteousness: Anger produces a sense that what you are doing is morally justified.

A reduced awareness of all other emotions: All other emotions are swallowed up in the overwhelming psychological and physical sense of strength generated by anger.

Anger as a Psychological Defense Mechanism

A psychological defense mechanism is a mental process that prevents you from being aware of an internal or external stress, pain, or danger. Example: Suppression is the conscious exclusion of unacceptable desires, thoughts, or memories from the mind. You know you’re angry but choose to ignore it.

Defending Against Emotions and Experiences That Were Overwhelming as a Child or Considered to Be Unacceptable

Frustration, helplessness, inadequacy, and confusion are often described as emotions when they are really descriptions of a particular situation or condition in which you find yourself. Frustration means you are unable to obtain something you want. Helplessness means you are unable to do something you want to do. Inadequacy is the same as being helpless; you are unable to do something you want to do. Confusion means you don’t understand something. The events that cause these situations can trigger a number of emotions ranging from fear to boredom. It is common for people with a need to always be strong and in control to become angry whenever they experience these four conditions.

The Price of Using Anger as Self-defeating Defense

• Anger prevents you from dealing with the source of the problem.

• Anger keeps you from correcting distortions in your thinking.

• Anger keeps you helpless by stopping problem-solving.

• Anger keeps you from processing and releasing painful emotions.

• Anger sours relationships.

• Anger increases the overall pain you experience.

Ways to reconnect your emotional system:

• Develop a more extensive vocabulary for describing your emotions

• Identify physical and behavior cues that identify specific emotions

Four Common Erroneous Assumptions That Trigger Anger

Life should be fair

Rational Response:
Injustice and inequality are facts of life. Everyone acts in hurtful and unjust ways from time to time. Sometimes this is done deliberately. At other times actions done with good intentions turn out to be hurtful or unjust because of a lack of knowledge or understanding, or simply by accident. Next, refocus on needs rather than fairness. If something you really need or want is being frustrated or threatened, concentrate on developing a plan to improve the situation. As you do this, try to be as objective as possible. Your goal is to be effective at achieving your goal, not to make  things “fair”.

Because I want something very much, I ought to have it.

Rational Response:
Separate desire from obligation. The needs of others are no more or less important than my own.

It’s possible to change someone else’s behavior.

Rational Response:
In normal human relationships, people regularly do things that are hurtful for a variety of reasons. Often, it is unintentional and simply a mistake. At other times it is due to a misunderstanding. Punishing others for every slight or misconduct poisons any relationship. While, accountability and amends is an important part of resolving true wrongs that have been committed, you will never experience a truly loving relationship if you are unable to forgive and release others.

When others hurt or mistreat me, they deserve to be punished.

Rational Response:
In normal human relationships, people regularly do things that are hurtful for a variety of reasons. Often, it is unintentional and simply a mistake. At other times it is due to a misunderstanding. Punishing others for every slight or misconduct poisons any relationship. While, accountability and amends is an important part of resolving true wrongs that have been committed, you will never experience a truly loving relationship if you are unable to forgive and release others.

Minimizing Inappropriate Anger through Stress Management

Stress is the disruption of the body’s normal functioning that occurs when the fight or flight response is triggered. A stressor is the thing that is triggering this response. Stressors can be internal or external. The five basic types of psychological stress are pressure, frustration, conflict, threat, and loss. Protect your ability to think in a logical and rational manner by applying basic stress management principles.

A Four-Step Approach for when You Become Angry

• Stop and “cool down.”
• Determine what it is that is making you angry. Three ways to do this is it ask yourself:

  “Why am I angry?”
  “What do I want?”
  “How am I threatened?”

Check to see if your anger is appropriate.

Take positive action. Most often, this will be in the form of assertive actions.

Other Ways to Minimize Inappropriate Anger

• Understand and accept the true nature of anger.
• Minimize distorted thinking and irrational beliefs.
• Develop a positive self-image.
• Identify sensations and emotions which have been “taboo” in the past and deal with them more directly.
• Learn to release resentments.
• Eliminate the tendency of blaming if present.

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Disclaimer: This site contains general reference information and is not intended as a substitute for consulting with a physician or a psychotherapist.

Copyright © 1999 by Reneau Peurifoy, MA — All Rights Reserved